Trying to be ME

Have you ever sat down and really looked at yourself. I mean have you ever taken a really hard look at the decisions you’ve made or the friends you’ve lost and gained or even seen how you’ve changed as a person?  Well, if you haven’t then maybe you should.  

It’s a great time to reflect.  You can get to know a side of yourself you aren’t really in touch with or discover a new side that you didn’t even knew you possessed or even discover you have lost part of yourself.  I think that is the scariest thing of all is to figure out you were not the person you once were.  Everyone is different so maybe one person’s change is more positive than someone else’s.  But for me it scares me knowing that I’m not that person anymore.  

I look back now and I think to myself: “Wow, who was that girl? How and why was I acting like that? Who was she?”  I feel like sometimes I’ve lost part of myself, parts that I didn’t want to lose.  But, I’m also glad parts of me have changed as well.  It’s a constant struggle knowing that I’m always going to be changing, that my friends or my interests might not be the same.  I think that’s why I hate talking about myself because I never really know who I am on a consistent basis.  

I think a lot of my recent experiences have taught me a lot about myself.  I saw myself becoming this person that I said I would never become.  But there I was becoming obsessive and crazy, and kind of a bitch (excuse the language but it’s true!).  It freaks me out knowing that I was changing, becoming this person I know I’m not deep down.  

Every day it’s fight to be the person I want to become again, to truly be myself again, to truly be Sarah.  I feel like I’ve lost part of her, like a part of my soul is missing.  Maybe I can get her back, but it’s a struggle every single day to resist being something I don’t want to be.

The past year has been a huge reality check.  A lot has happened in my life. I’ve had to deal with personal issues, family issues, and relationship issues. I keep telling myself I’m going to get stronger from all of this.  Sometimes it’s convincing, other times not so much.  But I try, I really do try.  

It’s hard trying to take other people’s advice. I want to be able to say to them, “Yes, I will 100% follow what you said.”  But in reality it’s easier said than done.  People get frustrated when I do not take their advice. I understand their frustration, but they aren’t in my shoes, in my head.  People truly have no idea what it’s like to be in someone else’s shoes but they are so quick to judge you.  You don’t know what I’m going through. From their perspective it might seem simple but the issue is really not that easy to fix.  It’s harder to explain what the problem is or how you are feeling or what you want to do.  Because most of the time I cannot answer those questions. WHY? Because I’ve changed so much I’m still trying to figure out what I want.

All of this makes me feel like I’m losing it. It makes me wonder if other people go through a similar situation or is it just me? Do other people struggle with their own demons as much as I do?  I would imagine so.  Maybe some people are better at dealing with their own personal change better than others.  Maybe there’s a light at the end of this tunnel. Maybe this is just a phase that I’m going through.  Maybe, just maybe.

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